Scared...of the Unknown...

I dont know why I feel this way. I feel there's something wrong. But I am not certain what it is.

Maybe that's the reason why I am lost in oblivion. But then again, I am also scared to know because I might not be able to accept.

I still hope for the best.

Whatever happens, it is for a significant purpose.

I am holding on to faith. On to divine favor.


Keeping on.

On Going Solo

I wasnt feeling well today. I spent most of my time sleeping and watching DVDs.

It is cool living alone. You get to have your own space...your own privacy... but why is it that sometimes you still long to be with someone? I guess human beings are indeed social beings by nature -- social animals as what one philosopher said.

At the end of the day, you still long to find someone at home waiting for you. Someone to cook for. Someone to chat with. Someone to embrace. Someone to comfort and be comforted by. Someone to snuggle with in bed. Someone to have coffee with. Someone to kiss. Someone to love. Someone to live for.

There's just so many things that impede this yearning. But I am optimistic that life has greater things to offer.

I will wait.

With enthusiasm unfailing.

Happiness??!!!

'Happiness is not how much you have, but how little you complain.' --- this is what I have been reminding myself lately. I guess there's just too much angst in this world that i sometimes fall into the pit of learned helplessness...where instead of picking up the pieces, I instead dwell in the misery of the moment and vent my frustration out.

Some say it is good to vent out...but what I have realized lately is that it's otherwise. I actually lose my strength venting out and complaining about things that already happened and things I cannot change. I end up unraveling my thoughts and emotions too much to the point that I already lose them altogether. And that's when I realize I am in a losing battle. So what should I do?

I dont know.

Perhaps I can keep my complaints to myself...but then my angst might kill my spirit. Perhaps I can complain a little but not too much...but then that would just unsettle all of the hidden issues I have. So what should I do?

I guess I know the answer to that question. I'm just not paying attention. I guess life would be better lived if I stay positive and strong. Life is a matter of perspectives. The more you think and act positively, the better life you get to live. I have yet to prove that. Have I?

Definitely not.

I am still a work in progress. But a living testimony to the fact that pessimism kills the heart and lays aside all of the important things that matter to life and human relations.

Do i get to live this now? Not yet.

But I am trying.

And I am trying really hard.


I will. Remain.

No longer trying.

Instead. Taking a stand.


With hands clasped. With passion unfathomable.

Taking It a Notch Higher

I have never thought I'd hit rock bottom. Well, okay...I am exaggerating. But I guess it is all about perception.

Recently, I have decided to take it a notch higher with life. Why? Perhaps it is because I already dont know what I am doing in life. I feel like a cloud floating around without direction or purpose. Dont get me wrong, the Tao has brought a lot of changes in my life -- may it be outlook in life, perspective on things, and character. But there's just something lacking which I cant identify.

Perhaps it is so difficult to journey through uncertainty. And this journey in bliss can sometimes drown you with vexations that cause you to just drop dead and feel numb. I have been denying that I am in this state. But I guess some things just cant be denied, much more if theyre already obviously protruding in subjective exposure.

I enlisted in one personal development program which costs around 35k pesos. I almost backed out because of the cost, but a friend decided to assist me in the finances just for me to get enrolled. I did not hesitate nor did I even ask twice to grab the opportunity. There is just this longing inside me, thirsting to find myself and be able to define my journey.

There is no guarantee of change if I join the program...but then again, the guarantee can only be given by myself depending on how I deem the program as necessary. My friend told me to be open-minded and to prioritize myself...because how I look at myself will reflect on how I will look at others by how I treat them.

This is going to be difficult. But I so much appreciate my friend's commitment to get me going.

Well, this caused some frictions in my current relationship. Insecurities, threats, and envy rolled together. It was difficult to understand at first why I cant be understood. All I wanted to do was to fix my life so that I can be a better person to others in the long run. I still have yet to settle this. And I hope that my point would be taken into consideration without painful words and hurt spirits. I am serious with this relationship that I would do anything for me to be able to handle it with the best that I have and can do.

I am hoping.

What's in store for me?

I will wait. With eyes wide open.

I will wait.

Crossroads

I have always gotten away with decisions. I am a big fan of fate. I have always believed that life is a raging river that flows downhill. Going against it means to imbibe struggle in your journey. Hence, I have always let fate take its control over my life.

Why?

I have always tried to choose based on what I prefer or desire. However, I always end up watching fate sketch a path which is sometimes far different from what I expect. Hence, I have given it up to fate's control.

However, I am in a crossroad different from the other ones I have encountered then. I have two choices I actually both like. Due to that, I dont know what to let go of... Perhaps I need to weigh the pros and cons of both scales. But it will be a tough session in court for me.

I am holding on.

Still.

Sane.

Consumed but surviving...

I guess life has its ways of preserving the sanity...words may always fail to embody the essence of reality...but I guess it is only through the plume that one can displace any impediments to vastness, clarity, and sense...

As how my life is scattered around the floor...with its bits and pieces shattered waiting to be gathered, with its emotions laying stale because of ignorance...poetry finds the path for redemption to be achieved...

I can be redeemed despite of...challenging...but I am able to cope...trying to be sane...

...at least.

Lazy Contemplations

One of the Supervisors at work asked me if I write. I said yes. Then I realized I haven't written for a long time now...poet's mind block.

I have been keeping my thoughts to my self lately. If not, I have been laying it aside. Perhaps, im just so tired. Tired to think. Tired to exert energy. Lame, i know.

I have been sick for almost 2 weeks now. I thought I could take a break from work. Well, I did for a couple of days but it wasnt fun. It was no fun being bedridden.

Sigh. I feel more like of a pessimist now. But I cant. It might drain all of the positive energy from my depleting sanity.

I am trying to gather myself. My broken pieces are just all over the floor.

I will be fine. I hope. 

I will be. Sane.

The Pursuit for Answers

the pursuit for answers I



troubled. distracted. perplexed.
reality is slowly killing me.
i can't find any sensible reason
to journey on.
everything seems void. null.
without meaning.
profundity has left me.
i have been deemed as
a driftwood senselessly floating
in the waters.
true. the lake is placid.
and that's what makes my sanity
flow down the drain.
life has been so terribly stagnant.
without movement.
no direction.







the pursuit for answers II



the mountains. full of sense.
with a deafening silence.
a visit. hopeful.
i gazed the quietness...
without expectations of
any answer nor revealed purpose.
only to unload my baggages.
i did. even if i can't.
i was. even if i should not.
i sought for answers.
the trees told me i won't be able to.
true enough. i did not.
the rocks though clamored
that i be still.
i did. and they provided direction.
i listened. and the valley
painted me an unforgettable ouevre.





the pursuit for answers III




i carried on...took on the baggages upon my shoulders.
but no longer walking without sense.
i now have a map. to the answers
i have long yearned to learn.
nothing is clear just yet.
but i have faith i will. understand.
time to go back to reality.
cruel it might be.
at least i know i have a shield.
the daunting arrows will continue
to take me down the pit.
but my heart is guarded.
my heart is bursting with happiness.
unfathomable.
discredited it might have been.
it has now yielded significance.
undeciphered.
i am ready. i am taking on the liberty
of having to strive against a battle
which was, in the first place,
meant to be mine.

**During my Sagada adventures; February 23, 2007.

Emptiness, and Its Profound Implications

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you just can't find any reasonable purpose to finish this journey. Every thing seems rubbish...without any sense.

I have tried to comprehend why this journey has been commenced for me to take...the same way I have wanted to understand why I needed to conclude it. But it seems I will never understand the reasons behind my perplexities.

I am trying to take it a step at a time though. Never mind what is in the future. What is important is the present. I guess that's the bottomline of it all -- how the NOW is lived!

But it is not just in how you live out the 'now'. I have a tendency to overlook the essentials, making me drained out and feeling empty.

Ugh...Where the hell is this emptiness coming from, anyway???

I don't know.

I have tried to indulge in relationships...not necessarily romantic...but it still is the same. At the end of the day, I still feel alone and left out. Even if I have been laughing my heart out with these people, I still feel the sting of emptiness inside me when I lay my head down. Something is still missing...

Passion. A word I have long contemplated on all these years, but have to yet see myself live out. But how?

These queries have been dogging my doorstep...too much that I get annoyed with myself. Why? Because I dont know how nor where the answers will be found!!!

But only the fire can bring warmth to the hearth. How do I kindle that fire?

These vexations make it more complicated. But I guess it boils down to one thing --- living out this journey with passion. Passion to attempt greater things...Passion to live out what is now...Passion to influence others...Passion to discover the purpose for the journey set before me...Passion to know why I am predestined to wind up my own story...Passion to be content with knowing that my questions can never be answered...

I guess...this is the better road to take. But it doesn't end here. Why? Simply because it is not the intensity of the fire that matters...but how long it will keep on burning. In the end, I guess it is not the person who had been more passionate with the journey...but who survived 'til the culmination of it.

So much to think about. I hope it keeps my sanity intact though.

Still.

Breathing.

The Plume of Sanity

I have been chained in a significant hiatus. I didn't know if I should write...or maybe simply didnt know what to write.

Life can sometimes tame the mind so much...it tames it so much to the point that it becomes overly sate and satisfied...then comes adamancy and disillusion.

There is a lot to learn and know about life. So much to jot down for it to be considered significant enough. But, I guess the will sometimes finds its self wandering in lost space and complicated perplexity. The will is then laid aside...left to rot in sheer disgust and complacency.

I am just not ready yet to give it all up though. I still have a soupcon of trust in me. I have to move on...move forward to truth and proactive sensibility. I will once again soar on to greater heights...heights of profundity i left unassumed and undiscovered.

A Sonnet of Delusion

To someone who kept my sanity intact...

I made you my god, the locus that kept me sane,
I exerted a thousand soupcons of effort just to cling on a hope that will vanish my pain,
Knowing you compelled me to live life on the track you deemed right,
I offered a best that even I cannot live to comprehend or fight,
I wanted to hold you in eternity, never to give you up despite frustrations,
I desired to keep you guarded in my palms that only spelled love unconditional in desperation,
I revered acceptance despite the fact that you were imparting love to another,
I just can't stop but make you realize how overwhelming the love I want to render.
Yet, my lips were feigned by a fear entrenched from evanescence,
My eyes were blurred by a primeval vision you have implied,
My hands were cuffed by an indifference I cannot surmount,
My heart was injected by a vicious venom that killed my will to posit a love inclined.
Now, I silently stand, gazing at your face I have longed to embrace,
I remain blind even if my intentions seek out a path to protrude out the phase,
I want to tell you, it was not my plan to vex you, but please you instead,
I long to let you know that I have loved you not because of what you are, but who you are to me...
... now I dread.

Iandih Lorenzo
Copyright.

Veering Away from Stress

"Dying is a gift...you must practice constantly like the violin..."

- The Incantation of F. Kahlo by K. Braverman

I didnt notice that a lifetime has already passed since I last updated my blog. Work can sometimes bury your sanity to work. And I guess I was way deep down in its abyss.

But don't get me wrong, it is also fulfilling. I get to feel a significance of life within me. I guess this is what you call life's challenge...and I need to be sane, and to force myself most of the times to be so, even if surmounting its flaws is just so degrading at times.

I guess I will have more of this. I just have to move on. For now.

Surmounting the Battle Field

"So much has been given to me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied."
- Helen Keller

'Tis sweet to achieve something "life-changing" after a losing battle. I can confess that 'tis not an easy job striding along the strife, but I guess 'tis worth it after that the battle has been won.

Life has been consistently nasty towards me. But I guess 'tis my choice to stay sane despite of. Perseverance is indeed a necessity to survive in this battleground. And I will remain in my post... I have witnessed, first-hand, the results of untiringly gripping on the rope.

I can say that I have achieved the merit I have desired for so long in regards to my career. And I couldnt have achieved it without persevering in the mission I was assigned to. I will excel no matter what...and when stability comes, that's the time that I will consider accepting other missions that I would be declared a victor of...or at least a potential to be so.

Now, I am certain that life will never stop dogging my doorstep. I will always incur failures no matter what...but I guess what's essential is ---> I win the battle, even if I lose the war.

I am.

Sane.

Speechless

There's a lot to ponder about life. But sometimes I lose the sanity to even consider it as existent.

I fall short of words, and find it too challenging to describe my every day occurence. I might have been so preoccupied that even the minute details of my existence are being disregarded. I don't even know if I want to feel happy or otherwise... this is insanity...plain insanity...

My mind is in a temporal hiatus. But I don't know why it is taking so long... I guess there's just so much to be done with constrained time.

I need to get a hold of myself. I need to be stable in my career if I long to settle with ease. Sigh.

I choose to persevere, though. There's no other way. I guess this is how life is. And if I can't combat it's grip on me, then I guess I'll just have to fool around it.

I am.

Speechless.

Yet, sane.

The Instigation of my Predilection

A question of vexation...
profused repudiation...

My being wallowing in,
yet deprived of gratification...

I cringe to have not felt positive regard,
rather resentment...

The love pursued, denied...
reining my will for amendment...

Pondering on Passion

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." - Danny Kaye

Life is indeed all about passion. It's what makes it sensible and worth fighting for.

However, 'tis just so difficult to realize this knowing that one can never integrate restriction with passion. The being that does not find amusement in something can find it challenging to lavish it with so much attention and priority. But I guess choosing to journey through the difficult path would make the difference...even if tis indeed distracting on the onset.

But then, it is with distress that one finds the will to stay despite of insanity...and to choose to be passionate despite of perplexity...

I guess, there is no other choice...but to choose...

A Deviation from Pessimism

"People never learn anything by being told; they have to find out for themselves."
-Paulo Coelho

I found that out myself. And it's definitely exhausting to learn things the hard way... Nothing can compare to learning the significant things of life via this route though...

I learned how to be stronger...and most importantly, how to fight for myself...

If there's one thing that I can assure everyone, it's fate's "unassurance" of a definite morrow. And I guess all of us would have to settle with that if we want to survive.

Anyway, enough of the pessimism... life has still a lighter side... maybe, that's one thing that can be revered. It still falls back to choice...the choice to be in a good mood...the choice to be okay... the choice to succeed...and the choice to be happy despite of...

Making Sense of It All

Relishing the moment...
Gripping on sanity...


I guess it will always go back to this...
after a bloody journey, I would have to move on...

Love has its ways of shattering the mind's peace...
and of misleading the heart to put its trust on broken cisterns...
but my heart wont concede to its cruelty...

I still have the choice to make things best for me...
I can choose to fight and struggle through the strife...

How Could Poetry Keep One Staid?

WHAT TRUTH IS THERE IN LOVE?


What truth is there in love…
if loving means to harness my sight from gazing at you?
Would I understand what love could have meant
if in the end I would lose the cause for my belief?

Frustration may have marred your will
to persistently accept what I offer,
but guilt has overwhelmed my soul severely
knowing I can never gratify your anticipation.

Despite, I reassure you of my perpetual love –
a love that will neither wither nor be soaked in forgetfulness
for what right do I have to forget you?
I will be eternally grateful, though,
that your presence has embedded my being.
Even if confusion has smitten my sanity,
I distraught any attempts to quell your memory from my mind.

Undeniably, you became a mere passing season in my life –
a sunrise that has to set in the light-eased horizon…
a full moon that has to go into hiding in the sun-lit sky…
a delightful summer that has to be subsumed by the commencing autumn.

And like the season that I never owned,
I sit in tears, loving what I can never have and hold.
Yet, one hope I have deep in my heart –
after that autumn, winter, and spring cradle my pain
another summer would come along,
and maybe, just maybe….
I can hold you once again.

-iandih

copyright 2003.